Welcome to the Cabbage and Caviar blog. A weekly review of the worst and best of the previous weekend's Premier League action.
For those unfamiliar with the format, there is a nominee, a runner-up and a winner in both 'Cabbage' and 'Caviar' categories with an appropriate justification for the selection of each. Just in case you were unsure, the Cabbage award represents moments to forget and is the least coveted accolade of the week and the Caviar is representative of the sublime and the superb. Anything or anyone to do with the Premier League action can be nominated - managers, individual players, referees, team performances, mascots, club owners, streakers, commentators, pundits - you get the picture.
Cabbage and Caviar Premier League 2019/20 Week 5
The Premier League resumed this weekend after the first international break of the season and as usual, there was an abundance of both cabbage and caviar to choose from.
First up for the clueless cabbage this week is referee Mike Dean. Yes, it’s the Premier League ref that everyone loves to hate and he was at it again this week with his “it’s all about me” show which aired live at Villa Park on Monday evening. Amidst a fairly drab and unstimulating affair between Aston Villa and West Ham, it was Mike Dean’s performance that dominated proceedings. His controversial officiating had both sets of fans, and indeed neutrals, rolling their eyes, face-palming and shouting profanities and obscenities. Some discerning football fans would describe Mike Dean as a loathsome, insufferable, substandard, old referee with a narcissistic personality disorder. Others may disagree on the basis that 51 isn’t really that old. Dean is no stranger to vilification. Over his less than illustrious refereeing career, he’s survived demotions, fan petitions and unrelenting abuse from supporters and managers alike. Let’s face it, he loves it. He thrives on being the centre of attention and on Monday night he was at his best. His sending off of West Ham defender Arthur Masuaku for a second bookable offence was laughable and yet he seemed perfectly content to let Villa winger Anwar El Ghazi headbutt his own team mate which went completely unpunished. He was even getting in the way of passes and kicking the ball out of play. Mike loves a bit of red cabbage and earlier this year, he became the first referee to issue 100 red cards in the Premier League. He was always going to be though wasn’t he?
Runner-up for the cabbage this week is Marco Silva’s Everton. The lacklustre Toffees suffered a disappointing defeat at the hands of Bournemouth on Sunday after what can only be described as a show of schoolboy defending, an uninspiring midfield display and a distinct lack of quality in the final third. There also appeared to be a show of mutiny in the ranks as Fabian Delph allegedly yelled “everybody is f*cking sh*t” at the rest of his teammates before promptly deflecting the ball into his own net in pure cabbage style. Everton’s atrocious away record continues to haunt them. This was an abysmal performance by a team who were tipped to disrupt the top six in the Premier League this season. Despite a summer spending spree exceeding £100m, Everton are a side that look like they lack belief which was emulated by manager Marco Silva who sat sulking in the dug out for most of the ninety minutes. It’s hard to work out what Everton’s best eleven is and it looks as if Silva doesn’t know either. They’ve conceded nine goals in their last four games in all competitions which highlights the obvious defensive frailties and despite all the hype around Goodison at the start of the season, they look to be making exactly zero progress. This is certainly a sticky toffee patch for the Blues. The welcoming Cabbage Hall Hotel is just 10 minutes walk from Goodison Park. They take pride in treating their visitors to a fantastic experience. Just saying...
The clear-cut winners for the ultimate cabbage prize this week is Arsenal’s defence. The Gunners’ ridiculously inept defending against bottom of the league Watford sent their fans into complete meltdown after they squandered a 2-0 first half lead to draw 2-2 at Vicarage Road on Sunday afternoon. The back line was littered with cabbage as several horrific attempts at playing out from the back resulted in Sokratis gifting a goal to Watford’s Tom Cleverley after a simple interception by Gerard Deulofeu. The Greek defender is allegedly being paid £92,000 a week to play badly for Arsenal and despite a public apology for his embarrassing cabbage display, all is definitely not forgiven amongst Gunners fans. David Luiz has been accused of sabotage as many paranoid Arsenal fans believe his deadline day transfer was staged by the Chelsea board. He was sent into the Arsenal fray with a mission to plant exploding cabbages into every dimension of their defensive capability. He’s hiding in plain sight as he seeks to disrupt this season’s campaign of progression and help the Gunners to a 9th place finish. Let’s face it, he’s a liability and conceding penalties is what he excels at. Unai Emery’s insistence on playing out from the back is becoming an annoying feature of Arsenal’s set up. This tactic is fine if you have the players to execute it successfully. Take nothing away from Watford who have featured heavily in the cabbage ranks this season. They put on a second half display fuelled by belief, a dogged determination and steely character but it was Arsenal’s cabbage stained capitulation that helped the Hornets gain only their second point of the season. Deserving winners indeed.
And now for the caviar...
First up in the nominations for this weeks ultimate caviar prize is Liverpool front man Roberto Firmino. It’s difficult to avoid writing something about Liverpool in every blog as invariably they put in a caviar display each week but Firmino is fully deserving of this week’s nomination. What this man can do with a football is ridiculous. The 27-year old Brazilian started Liverpool’s home game against Newcastle on the bench but replaced an injured Divock Origi on 37 minutes. To say that he graced the pitch with his presence is something of an understatement. His contribution to Liverpool’s triumph was immeasurable. His ability is frightening. His vision and how he utilises pockets of space around the opposition box is simply pure caviar. He architected two assists, the last one for Mo Salah with a beautiful deft flick with brazen disregard for the helpless Newcastle defence. He’s the selfless orchestrator, the caviar conductor, the world-class creator. Liverpool are now 5 points clear at the top of the Premier League after only 5 games and Firmino’s contribution to the Red’s perfect start has been immense. There’s no point in researching or quoting any stats for him as to be honest, they’re irrelevant. He’s a magician with the football at his feet. He’s world class and we don’t need stats to confirm that. Finesse, elegance and exquisiteness. Words associated with caviar...and Bobby Firmino.
Runner up in the caviar honours this week is Chelsea striker Tammy Abraham. Two really good things that happened to Chelsea Football Club this season: 1) the transfer embargo and 2) Frank Lampard’s appointment as manager. Lamps is giving youth a chance but not just for the sake of it. He has to put out a side that he feels is capable of winning Premier League games. Would the likes of Abraham be getting a chance if the Blues had been able to bring in players in the summer? Arguably not, so the 21-year old striker has been handed his chance and he is taking it emphatically. His efforts so far this season have seen him transform from bit-part player and loanee to the first name on the team sheet. His performance away at Wolves on Saturday was outstanding. Abraham bagged himself a caviar hat-trick of the highest quality which takes his tally to seven goals in his last three Premier League matches. His first was a smart swivel and turn and a clever shot back across the already diving Rui Patricio. His second was a neat header from a Marcos Alonso cross and for his third, he showed great skill, composure and quick feet to completely mug Wolves defender Conor Coady and rifle home to earn himself the match ball. In fact, he loves scoring goals that much, he even scored at the other end as well. His all round game is really impressive and it will be interesting to see what he can achieve this season. He’s in red hot caviar form and Lamps is loving it.
There was only ever going to be one winner for this week’s illustrious caviar award and that’s Norwich City. Every team in the Premier League want to know how to beat Manchester City. The Canaries had nothing to lose by having a go at actually playing against the Champions and boy did it pay off. Despite the injury woes, the pitch at Carrow road was covered in caviar. Tim Krul’s heroics between the sticks, Emi Buendia’s magnificent man-of-the-match performance, classy Todd Catwell’s sheer effort and desire and the goal machine that is Teemu Pukki. Norwich played Manchester City at their own game, and won. If a team in yellow and green is playing fast flowing, attacking football with flair and trickery then let’s face it, it’s usually it’s Brazil but on Saturday evening, Norwich City gave their fans a performance that they will never forget. The Champions looked distinctly average for large parts of the game and the Canaries sensed they were there for the taking. Manchester City threw the proverbial kitchen sink at the Norwich defence late on as they attempted to salvage a point. It was a nervy finish and Norwich fans were screaming “for Farke’s sake, blow the whistle.” The referee eventually obliged. Cue absolute scenes at Carrow Road. Did someone say that Norwich would struggle this season? Delia’s new book “Cooking with Caviar” comes out on Monday. I couldn’t love football any more.
Cabbage and Caviar Premier League 2019/20 Week 3&4
This is a combined Cabbage and Caviar awards blog for the last two weeks Premier League action. A lot of football has been played leading up to the first international break of the season and there’s plenty to talk about.
First up for the double cabbage nomination is Manchester United. The impressive home win against Chelsea on the opening day of the season feels a very long time ago for United. Week 3 brought about a home defeat to Crystal Palace and this week they only managed a draw away at Southampton. With no clean sheet in the last 3 games, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer certainly has his work cut out. Paul Pogba appears to be the epitome of cabbage and caviar in every single game. They look to be heavily reliant on young Daniel James who, whilst enjoying an amazing start to his Manchester United career, only has one season in the Championship in terms of experience. Despite heavy investment in the defence, the back line still looks vulnerable. There’s no replacement for Lukaku, Martial is out injured and Rashford is suffering a lack of form so it’s hard to see where the threat will come from at the other end either. Options off the bench look extremely limited. Solskjaer is adamant that despite all of this, his team are “on the right path.” Yeah, that’s fine Olly, if that’s the path to an 8th place finish. They never looked capable of getting a winner, even after Saints were reduced to ten men. The confidence is evaporating from every pore and the frustration is beginning to show. There’s an indie rock band called Cabbage who are from Tameside in Greater Manchester. They've recorded songs called ‘Fickle’ and ‘Tell me Lies About Manchester.” Apparently Solskjaer and the United squad have front row tickets at the next gig.
Runner up for the double dose of cabbage is Watford boss Javia Gracia. The Hornets are rock bottom of the Premier League table with only a solitary point gained from a draw against Newcastle United on Saturday. Prior to that was a poor display at home to West Ham resulting in a 3-1 defeat. This dreadful run of form extends way back to the beginning of April after securing their place in the FA Cup Final. Watford have only won 2 of their last 13 Premier League matches, conceding 24 goals in the process. This is relegation form. Gracia comes across as a softly spoken, meek and mild-mannered Mr Nice Guy but the pressure is mounting on the 49-year old Spanish coach as referee Graham Scott showed him the yellow card for dissent at St. James’ Park on Saturday. Gracia has baffled Hornets fans by persisting with players who are clearly not in form and exhibiting puzzling tactics, formations and eyebrow raising substitutions. Frustrated Watford supporters have seen very little so far this season of club record signing Ismaila Sarr and former Arsenal striker Danny Welbeck, both of whom have started the last two Premier League games on the bench. They are crying out for minutes and game time and yet neither played any part in the draw at Newcastle. Next up for Javi after the international break is a home tie against Arsenal, followed by the small matter of a trip to the Etihad and then a tough home match against Wolves. It could be played 7 with still only 1 point come the end of September. Gracia is favourite to win the cabbage sack race this season and it’s easy to see why.
The deserved winner of the cumulative cabbage is Arsenal midfielder Granit Xhaka. If you take the X out of his last name then you’re left with haka which is exactly what he is. It’s hard to see why Unai Emery persists with him when he can’t run, he definitely can’t tackle, he persistently makes errors that lead directly to opposition goals and quite frankly is a liability. No midfielder has conceded more penalties in the history of the Premier League than Granit Xhaka. Arsenal legend Martin Keown has likened the Swiss international to a fire engine that turns up after the house has burned down. That’s how late he is. Every time he gets given the ball, Arsenal fans are wincing at the inevitable cabbage that is to follow. He’s clumsy, immobile, has little or no defensive awareness and suffers from repeated lapses in concentration. If this much cabbage was exhibited in a normal workplace there surely would have been some disciplinary action taken by now. Guendouzi, Torreira, Ceballos, Willock...how is Xhaka still getting starts at Arsenal? Not only that, he’s the new captain! He had a shocker against Liverpool last week and a cabbage performance to forget against Spurs on Sunday. Perhaps it’s an insult to cabbages to compare them to Granit Xhaka, after all, cabbages are versatile and can actually help to lower your blood pressure. A worthy winner for the cabbage dinner.
And now for the caviar...
The first nominee for the double caviar is Liverpool. An impeccable start to the season sees the Reds sitting pretty at the top of the Premier League with 100% record. Played 4, won 4. At home to Arsenal, Liverpool put on a quality display. Some thought that a young Arsenal midfield might cause a few problems for Liverpool but van Dijk and co nullified any threat there might have been and made sure that Dani Ceballos was brought back down to earth as he was shut out of the game. The 3-0 victory at Turf Moor was another caviar result as the usually organised and durable Burnley defence was breached with relative ease. The trio of Salah, Firmino and Mane are prolific and there seems to be some (maybe healthy) competition between Salah and and Mane as they shared the golden boot last season. Mane’s strop on the bench at Salah’s perceived selfishness was a caviar moment and reflects the insatiable desire for goals amongst this talented front line. This team are so quick in transition and even at 3-0 up, the desire to chase down and win the ball that Andy Robertson displayed on many occasions is impressive. Roberto Firmino and Virgil van Dijk are the embodiment of what this Liverpool team epitomises. Strength, supreme confidence, composure and class. The Reds have made that top spot their own after only 4 games and it’s going to take truck loads of caviar to dislodge them.
Runner up for the double helping of exquisite caviar is Manchester City striker Sergio Caviar Goal Machine Aguero. Penalty taker, headline maker and record breaker. There are not enough superlatives to describe this footballing apex predator. His brace against Brighton at the Etihad on Saturday was both sublime and ridiculous. He’s a guaranteed goal machine and he makes it all look so simple. The ease at which he glides through Premier League defences is frightening. The intelligence and awareness he displays for his assists as well as his clinical finishing is astounding. He’s an absolute menace in and around the box and the very sight of his name on the team sheet is enough to make fans of opposing teams fear the worst. The Argentine international is 31-years old but shows no signs of slowing down. The consistency he’s displayed to score 20+ goals per season in each of the last five Premier League seasons, despite various injuries is remarkable. His record against the other five of the so-called “big six” is pure caviar. 54 goals and 13 assists in a total of 75 games against Liverpool, Spurs, Chelsea, Manchester United and Arsenal. His big game mentality makes him the best striker in the Premier League and with two years left on his current contract, there’s a lot more records to be broken yet.
The winner of the greatly desired quality caviar is Leicester City. It’s been a very productive couple of weeks for Brendan Rogers side as they’ve picked up 6 points out of 6 from their 2 Premier League games against Sheffield United and Bournemouth and beat Newcastle United on penalties to earn a place in the 3rd round of the League Cup. There were two goal of the month contenders in last two games for Leicester as Harvey Barnes nearly ripped the net off with his half volley against Sheffield United and an in-form Jamie Vardy unleashed a superbly executed lob from range against Bournemouth. There’s caviar all over the pitch with this Leicester side. The spine of the team is quality from the solid and dependable Kaspar Schmeichel between the sticks, the sensational and creative James Maddison pulling the strings in midfield and the accomplished and artful Jamie Vardy terrorising defences up top. The back four have looked dominant and commanding including the wing backs Ben Chilwell and Ricardo Pereira who offer just as much going forward. Young Harvey Barnes is also making his mark at this level in caviar style. It’s been a scintillating start for the Foxes, much as it was the season they won the Premier League. With Chelsea and Manchester United floundering, the Gunners not yet firing on all cannons and Spurs still finding their rhythm, Leicester City look well placed to disrupt the top 4 in caviar fashion.
Cabbage and Caviar Premier League 2019/20 Week 2
This week's cabbage and caviar comes to you from the beautiful and medieval city of Tallinn in Estonia. Just because I'm on a Baltic cruise doesn't mean a week off from the blog.
Stuffed cabbage rolls are an everyday dish in Estonia and Sky Sports pundit Charlie Nicholas loves them. The former Arsenal legend has ruffled a few cabbage leaves with United fans after referring to Harry Maguire as average and saying he's "a bit suspect" about Aaron Wan-Bissaka and Luke Shaw. Not that he was ever popular with Spurs fans but he also predicted that Tottenham would get battered 4-1 against Manchester City after citing that Mauricio Pochettino doesn't really know where he's at with the current Spurs team. He also thought that Southampton would get a draw against Liverpool asserting that Virgil van Dijk still makes too many mistakes , in fact, it seems he's not convinced at all by Liverpool this season questioning whether they are even good enough to finish second. Who does he think will finish second then? Arsenal of course. He's been predictably purring about the new signings and Arsenal's convincing start to the season. Perhaps there is something in that but come on Charlie, at least try and show some impartiality. He didn't give Norwich City a prayer against Newcastle, he predicted Villa would turn Bournemouth over, thought West Ham would beat Brighton at the Amex and that Watford would get a draw at Everton. The only result out of 10 that Charlie predicted correctly was Arsenal v Burnley. Now there's a surprise (cue eye-rolling emojis). Guilty of lazy punditry and worthy of this week's nomination. It's all starting to waft of very stale cabbages at Sky Sports HQ.
Newcastle fans look away now. Runner up this week for the cabbage is the Toon Army gaffer Steve Bruce. Filling Rafa's boots was never going to be easy. Benitez described his tenure at Newcastle as "waiting for a solution which was not forthcoming." Under Steve Bruce it's now more a case of "heading for disaster which is inevitable." Bruce himself is no stranger to cabbages as one very frustrated Aston Villa fan famously launched one at his head last season after a disastrous run of results in the Championship. The ink is already long dry on the 'Bruce Out' banners. Newcastle fans have never been shy about venting their frustrations and Bruce is feeling the heat already on Tyneside. It may only be two games into the season but virtual cries of "worst appointment imaginable" and "sack this dinosaur" have been bellowing out over social media. Charisma, leadership and tactical nouse all seemed to have escaped Bruce throughout his managerial career. The caviar of Benitez has been replaced with the cabbage of Bruce. It's off to Tottenham at the weekend. Rumours are that sales of white cabbages have sky rocketed in supermarkets in and around Tyneside...
This week's winner of the undesirable cabbage is the disgusting racist abuse that has been aimed at Manchester United midfielder Paul Pogba following his penalty miss on Monday night against Wolves under the lights at Molineux. Although this blog is almost always a light-hearted and humorous (supposedly) take on all things Premier League, sometimes, as someone who loves the game and loves to write about the game , it's important to acknowledge the serious issues as well. OK, so the penalty itself was complete and utter cabbage and Marcus Rashford should be feeding Paul Pogba cabbage soup for a week after that. What followed however was everything that is wrong with society, social media and humanity. We pretend that we're making progress. We believe that it's only a tiny minority of 'morons' and 'neanderthals' that hide behind the safety of the faceless barriers of social media but is it really? The sad truth is that racism will never go away. It is still and always will be endemic in our society. It's an evolving disease for which there is no cure. Campaigns and movement such as Kick It Out are lauded as successful and progressive and of course, they have been to some extent but it will never be enough. Whether it's so-called supporters hurling disgraceful verbal taunts at Raheem Sterling from the stands or the abhorrent online trolling of Tammy Abraham and Paul Pogba from behind a fake profile and a keyboard, those who are that way inclined will find their own platform to abuse others regardless of any laws, sanctions or justice. The media furore following Pogba's experiences is surely an example of how these mindless idiots can get exactly what they want by targeting high profile footballers. So what is the answer? It is ever realistically possible that this disease can be eradicated for good? We can only hope.
Rant over. It's now time for the caviar...
Real Madrid loanee Dani Ceballos has already made his mark on the Premier League and Arsenal are loving his work. The Spanish midfielder put in a man-of-the-match display on his first full debut at the Emirates against Burnley. Everyone's been talking about £72m club record signing Nicholas Pepe but so far, Ceballos looks to be the stand out deal of Arsenal's summer business. Creative passing, insatiable work rate, strength in abundance, trickery, countless dribbles and take-ons, a constant desire to win back possession, pinpoint accuracy from set pieces and a reward of two assists, three points and a standing ovation. Not a bad afternoons work for the 23-year old playmaker. The notoriously well organised Burnley defence is difficult to breach but Ceballos rose to the task. He looks to be not so much of a replacement for Aaron Ramsey but more like an upgrade and has already been compared in some quarters to the midfield magician Santi Cazorla. Ceballos single handedly made Arsenal look like world beaters and Gunners fans think he's better than Mesut Ozil. Festering in the ranks at Real Madrid, he's now been given a chance to showcase his ability in the best league in the world. There are some top quality caviar imports coming from Spain and Ceballos is definitely one of them.
The runner up for the caviar award this week goes to Liverpool sensation Sadio Mane. The Senegalese international has scored 20 goals in all competitions so far in 2019 (not bad since there hasn't been any football for the past 3 months) and he continues to inspire and delight on Merseyside. Much has been documented about Mane's humble beginnings from rural Senegal. We all love a hero but Mane's status comes from what he does on the pitch as opposed to off it. His goal against his old club Southampton on Saturday was sensational. His stats are red hot. His influence is unsurpassed. Liverpool's lack of spending in this transfer window has led many to believe that the Reds will once again be the bridesmaids at Manchester City's wedding come next May. Sadio Mane is the reason why Liverpool will push City all the way again this season. Yes, he's part of a prolific front three but he's the best cog in that wheel. He's the most consistent and consistency is key for Liverpool's title hopes. The man is pure class and just keeps on getting better and better. There's not a great deal of caviar produced on the African continent but what little there is clearly is of the highest quality.
The undisputed winner of this week's caviar award is Norwich City striker Teemu Pukki. Pukki made his mark on the Premier League by bagging a very well taken goal against Liverpool at Anfield on the opening day of the season. His hat-trick in front of the Carrow Road faithful against Newcastle on Saturday was nothing short of magnificent. Strikers who have been previously been prolific in the Championship always get questioned in the same way - "yes but can he do it in the Premier League?" It's safe to say that Pukki has proved that to be a resounding yes. The Finnish can certainly finish. To score a hat-trick against any side in this league takes some doing. Pukki has an undeniable ability. He's sharp, ruthless and clinical in front of goal and those traits will get you goals at any level. He was simply excellent against Newcastle and thoroughly deserved to go home with the match ball. Fantasy Premier League managers across the country are drafting in the Canaries front man as he's the most selected player this week. Meanwhile, he's got the pundits purring and Delia's got her caviar recipe book out as Norwich look to serve up some more Finnish caviar to their West London visitors on Saturday.
Cabbage and Caviar Premier League 2019/20 Week 1
The Cabbage and Caviar blog is back for a brand new season and there’s no shortage of material from week 1. Read on for a light-hearted and mildly amusing take on the good, the bad and the ugly from this weekend’s Premier League action...
There was quite a bit of footballing cabbage around this week but the first nomination for the villainous veg is VAR. It was a debut for the Stockley Park crew in the Premier League this weekend and it looks like it’s going to take a while for this new addition to bed in. It was set to revolutionise the game, to eradicate any clear and obvious errors and to bring maximum benefit with minimum interference. It’s safe to say that the jury’s definitely out on all of that right now, particularly from a fan’s perspective. Raheem Sterling’s armpit was adjudged to have been 3mm offside leading to Gabriel de Jesus’ goal being disallowed against West Ham and according to Wolves skipper Conor Coady, Willy Boly would have had to “chop his hand off” to avoid it being in the way of Leander Dendoncker’s second half strike against Leicester City which was also chalked off. Meanwhile, Pep Guardiola has described it as a “passion killer.” ‘We’ve scored...let’s go f*cking mental’ has now become ‘we haven’t scored until VAR says we have.’ The technology designed to reduce controversy has become the epicentre of controversy itself. Refs have been lambasted for poor decision making since the dawn of time in football. It was part and parcel of the game. Now they’re getting help and it’s the help that is being criticised. Give it time they say. A long awaited innovation that will improve the game or a wheelbarrow full of cabbages? This week it’s the latter but watch this space...
The runner-up for this week’s cabbage is Chelsea defender Kurt Zouma. With an ageing Gary Cahill packed off to Crystal Palace and a shock exit for David Luis on transfer deadline day, Kurt Zouma finds himself well and truly in the spotlight at the heart of Chelsea’s defence and on Saturday at Old Trafford, he looked like a cabbage in headlights. He seemed nervy, completely out of his depth and way off the pace as he emphatically scythed down Marcus Rashford in the box to concede a penalty on 18 minutes. He then managed to get himself booked for a ridiculous challenge on Andreas Pereira on 36 minutes meaning he was defending (or at least trying to) on tenterhooks for the rest of the game. Sloppy, mistimed passes, lack of concentration. This was a very bad day at the footballing office for Kurt and he hasn’t done himself any favours at all with either his new boss or the Cheslea supporters. In some corners, he was being touted as the new Marcel Desailly...more like Farewell Cabaggy. It looks like Antonio Rudiger will remain sidelined until mid-September as he recovers from knee surgery so it could be a very long month or so for Frank and the Blues defence.
The first deserved cabbage winners of the season are Watford. Watford achieved mid-table respectability in the Premier League last season with an FA Cup final to boot. Hopes and expectations for building on those foundations were high and 17,500 expectant hornets arrived at Vicarage Road on Saturday afternoon to be treated to what can only be described as total and utter cabbage. This was an abject performance devoid of any ideas, tactics, skill, creativity or cohesion. Brighton were asking all the questions and the Watford team could only shrug their shoulders as the answers were lost somewhere in a cabbage field in the hills of Austria near their pre-season training venue. Craig Dawson made his debut for the Hornets after signing from West Brom in the summer. Expectations were high as was brought in to solidify the defence but unfortunately someone forgot to tell Craig that. Sought-after midfielder Abdoulaye Doucoure is clearly believing his own hype as he looked completely distracted. He even forgot which end he was shooting at and put the ball into his own net. Andre Gray ran and ran and ran but struggled to get a look in as he was starved of service. The one chance he did have he laced straight into the arms of the Brighton keeper. Skipper and talisman Troy Deeney was seemingly still on a beach somewhere and star man Gerard Deulofeu was hooked off at half time. Brighton did play extremely well but the pitch at Vicarage Road was littered with yellow and black cabbages. Worthy winners indeed.
And now for the caviar...
This week’s first nominee for the coveted caviar is Manchester City star Raheem Sterling. Like him or loathe him, the boy can play and his opening day hat trick against West Ham at the London Stadium (despite the VAR Drama) got City’s title defence off to a flyer. He is ruthless and clinical and this was as polished a performance as any that he’s displayed in a City shirt. He even had time for some Twitter bants and posted “bro why is this VAR ting so mad at meee” in an amusing jibe at the new technology. Sterling at his peak is frightening. His hunger for goals and his unrelenting desire for continual improvement even saw him trying to bully Sergio Aguero into letting him take City’s 86th minute penalty. Audacious. He got his hat trick anyway 5 minutes later. Sterling has caviar oozing through his footballing veins as he became only the eighth player in Premier League history to bag a treble on the opening day and the first since Didier Drogba nine years ago. He has the potential to out score Aguero this season and could even be a contender for the Golden Boot. Bold statement? Maybe, but this definitely isn’t the only time Sterling will be dining on caviar this season.
The runner up in the week 1 caviar stakes is Brighton and Hove Albion Manager Graham Potter. Although he’s no relation of Harry’s, he’s still being dubbed ‘The Wizard’ by some as he looks to have breathed new life into a Brighton team that barely scraped survival last season. A few eyebrows were raised when Brighton parted ways with Chris Hughton and a few more were raised when Potter was appointed after one season at Championship side Swansea. Many had tipped the Seagulls to go down this season but this appointment looks like it could be a caviar coup by the Brighton board. The new gaffer is possibly the best new addition to the Premier League this season. He has a masters in leadership and emotional intelligence. His philosophy is believable and Brighton now have an identity. A couple of caviar signings, a new system deploying a three-man defence with wing backs and the introduction of an enterprising and potent style of play. Put all that in the melting pot, wave your magic wand and voila...from cabbage to caviar in an instant. Perhaps he really is a wizard after all.
The winners of the eminent caviar on the opening weekend are the trio of Manchester United signings. Harry Maguire, Aaron Wan-Bissaka and Daniel James share the spoils this week as the Red Devils ran out 4-0 winners at Old Trafford on Saturday evening. Maguire showed no signs of being phased or unnerved by his £80m price tag and put in a man-of-the-match caviar performance on his debut in front of an expectant crowd. He’s certainly added an element of calm to what was previously an unpredictable storm. United fans be like Virgil van what? 21-year-old Aaron Wan-Bissaka already looks like an instant caviar upgrade and he handled the pressure superbly. His confidence on the ball and his defensive capabilities persistently nullified any threat attempted by the opposition. That right back position looks to be his for as long as he wants it. United fans be like Trent Alexander who? All this was capped off by a fairytale debut by young Daniel James who was in footballing dreamland when he came off the bench with 15 minutes to go to a rapturous applause and then went and bagged his first goal for the club. He’s been described as a rough diamond but there were definitely pearls of caviar glistening in the rain at Old Trafford on Saturday. There’s a lot more to look forward to from these three as a top four finish beckons.